Concert Reviews

What's the point of these? If you really liked a band, you would see them regardless of any review, good or bad. So why waste time reading reviews by pretentious industry pricks/music snobs when you could be pre-partying? And concerts all boil down to the following five things anyway:

1. How obnoxious the crowd is (ranging from mildly obnoxious to extremely, excruciatingly obnoxious. this is where people decide to take their shirts off and rub their sweaty naked bodies on you).
2. The venue. Indoors vs. outdoors, small vs. big, actual bathrooms vs. ghetto port-a-potties, etc.
3. Whether or not the band has "stage presence." Obviously they can play the music...they wrote the fucking songs. But do they just stand there or do they really get into it and "rock out with their cock out."
4. Sound quality. Sometimes you can't even hear the singer singing. But sometimes they're not really even singing words (Crystal Castles). In this case, this is not as important to the show's overall enjoyability.
5. Something the band does that's out of the ordinary but not too out of the ordinary. For instance, a lot of bands cover (or try to incorporate in another way) a popular, mainstream song. (i.e., Coldplay doing an acoustic version of Billy Jean, Lykke Li putting her own twist on Lil' Wayne, or Santigold dancin' to Soulja Boy). This is usually the most talked about portion of any show.

Of course, all of this is tempered by how much alcohol you (the concert-goer) have consumed. If it is copious amounts that puts you within blackout range, then all of the above can be disregarded because alcohol=guaranteed fun.

So, concert reviews=pointless. Just go and get it crunk.